Deus Ex Machina
At times, my life in Gainesville feels like the book of Revelations.
Growing up in a series of small Southern Baptists churches as a kid personally obsessed with the last book of the Bible, I spent a lot of time just waiting. Thinking about nearly every future milestone in my life would have “…unless Jesus comes back before then,” tacked onto the end. In my darker moments, I used to actually worry to the point of tears that Jesus would come back before I had the chance to have sex, drive a car, go to college, or make a difference. There were times, I’m ashamed to admit, when I would actually put things off since I was pretty much just waiting for the Biblically prophesied return of Christ anyway.
How often have I lived my life in Gainesville not accepting what’s here and not living with what’s in front of me?
Yeah, I could look for a different job, but since I’ll be leaving Gainesville eventually anyway…
I’ll need to pare down the amount of junk in my closet when we move out of Gainesville.
I need to write more sections of my book when things calm down at work.
Am I just recreating my life on a giant spin cycle, I sometimes wonder. Do I really just like sitting around waiting? Maybe I like having a convenient excuse for why I spend so much time talking about what I want to do instead of actually doing it. After all, I theoretically have some measure of control over when/if I’ll actually leave Gainesville. Instead, there are days when I’m just waiting for…something. An idea? A dream? A vision? A sign as obvious as a giant beast rising out of the sea with ten heads and ten crowns?
No more. Not again. Just no. The only time I have is right now. Waiting is just another form of attachment. Today I will be an artist. Today I will write something that will share my voice with the world. Today I will hold my wife close and rejoice that she’s there. Today I’ll stop just dreaming about moving to London or Salem or Brooklyn or Queens and actually make some move to either pull the metaphorical trigger or put the effing gun down and walk away. Today I will donate to charity that which I don’t need. Today I will shrug off my mantle of lethargy and excuses in favor of actually doing something.