Gaming
I play lots of mind games with myself. In many ways, this is a learned writer’s hack to keep myself writing about the stuff on my mind instead of leaving it to fester and come to nothing. I recently played one such mind game with myself while wandering around Best Buy. I asked myself a question: What is the one thing you would change about your life right now? The answer that came immediately to mind was surprising, and I’m not necessarily sure what to do with it. The index card in front of me with my hasty scrawl says simply “Play D&D again.”
Gaming was a creative outlet for me that encompassed the best parts of acting, writing, and self-discovery. By indulging the most indignant, severe, and dark parts of my personality, I created Lucanth Abrugael, an elven wizard/rogue vigilante who believed in a Machiavellian approach to good, a character perennially just one step away from losing the spark of goodness that offered him hope of redemption. By turning off my sarcastic intelligence for a while, I gave voice to Durga Wulforge, a human fighter/ranger who accepted others and believed strongly that others were basically motivated by good intentions even when they made severe mistakes, a character who saw his acceptance and love returned a hundredfold when an affliction of lycanthopy forced him into unspeakable acts. By ignoring my own depression, I took on the role of Gawain Gladestalker, an elven bladesinger who saw history on a macroscopic scale, allowing him to fully live in the present without guilt or regret.
I quit gaming because I just plain didn’t have two nights a week to devote to it anymore. I wanted to give my attention over to other hobbies, pursuits, and creative exercises for a while. I played Neverwinter Nights single-player campaigns more than any man should. I got into World of Warcraft for roleplay that never really existed even on RP servers. Eventually, I forgot about gaming to a large extent. Oh, sure…I would occasionally experience intense pangs of wanting to invent new stories with a roll of a D20, and this would usually lead to 15-30 minute explanations about gaming to my poor long-suffering wife.
This weekend, my friends Jason and Richard were in town, and the topic of D&D came up. I can’t even remember how honestly because it all got lost in the sense of possibility and excitement that followed. I would be happy to run a little one-off gaming session if anyone were interested. Yeah, I could work up something from my books and some free modules. I would just get something ready in case anyone was interested, but you know, no obligation. Before I knew it, I was up at five in the morning, digging through my source books and immersing myself in both lore and mechanics so that I could run a game that would be fun even for people who had never played before. It didn’t work out through some combination of a lack of time and a lack of interest, but the topic was there in my mind, ready to sprout forth when I asked my seemingly innocuous question.
My old gaming group has moved on, of couse. They game with new folks in new venues, and this is a natural part of reality. Nothing stays the same, and that’s beautiful. In an ideal world, I could game for 2-3 hours per week without having to run the game with a group that would indulge my roleplaying tendencies toward character development, making me feel appreciated but not needed. Am I really reaching for something new that I’m missing or just trying to re-live past visions of informal and boisterous sessions in friend’s apartments and hotel rooms?
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