Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
Now With Dri-Weave
Wednesday, January 17th, 2007From Fantastic Four #542…
Can anyone explain why the Starbucks chick talking to Johnny is wearing a maxi pad on her apron? Are the wings designed to capture any unexpected coffee leakage?
Technorati Tags: Humor, Comics, Marvel, Fantastic Four, Menstruation
The Secret of My Success
Thursday, September 21st, 2006When I went to the dentist six months ago, I felt good about myself. Smug even. I had flossed nearly every day of the six months since my last visit. I had missed maybe ten days of flossing out of six months. I was ready to face the dentist chair.
They promptly chastised me about how I need to floss more. I did what Rusty would do in any such situation. I stopped giving any semblance of a shit and promptly quit flossing. I’ve flossed maybe once or twice since that visit, primarily to get broccoli out of my teeth. I’ve threatened Allyson that if they lecture me again, I’m just going to find a new dentist.
Today, I walked in, and my cleaning lasted all of five minutes. The hygienist congratulated me on taking such excellent care of my teeth. When the dentist started her exam, she positively gushed minty praise for gums. I expected the two of them to start composing sonnets about the health of my mouth. It was as if the messiah of dental hygiene had ridden into their office on a donkey on an impromptu carpet of palm fronds.
I’ve accordingly come to the conclusion that they decide on either the good cop or bad cop routine with a flip of the coin before ever taking me back. It’s the only way any of it makes sense.
Hail Seitan!
Thursday, September 7th, 2006Ever since I heard of and tried seitan, a mass of wheat gluten capable of making extremely convincing vegan alternatives to meat, I have been possessed by an urge to make a shirt that simply reads “Hail Seitan!” This shirt would appeal to so many facets of my personality. My inner hipster would love the wry humor. My inner punk would love freaking people out and possibly making them uncomfortable. My inner geek would love having a shirt that few people can understand. I immediately wrote down the idea and put it on my list of things to do someday and moved on to my next random thought.
A few months later, when I was really starting to dig into the vegan community, I realized that essentially the same shirt had been made by some other witty vegan at Herbivore Clothing. There was even a clever pentagram made out of forks in the design.
I am convinced that this is the universe’s way of reminding me of Goethe’s assertion that “All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times.”
Technorati Tags: Humor, Clothing, Vegetarian, Vegan
Rewards and Experience
Monday, August 14th, 2006I’ve spent the last two weeks at work absolutely busting my rear to get an application moved into production. I was hardly unique in this regard as there were five of us on the team, and all of us were tying up loose ends and fixing stuff that our wrapping up had managed to break. I stayed late at work on Thursday and Friday, and I was extremely drained by the time Friday night rolled around to start my weekend.
And now it’s Monday. For the past six months or so, Monday morning has meant the biweekly project status meeting. In the wake of (hopefully) successfully moving our app to production, I feel like it’s time for a party or something. In fact, I feel like it’s time for the project manager to dole out the experience points and treasure for our adventure while we all sit around eating nachos and drinking soda.
If I’m ever the lead on a project, I’m going to insist on being called the Dungeon Master, and our project wrap up meeting will involve me rolling random treasure from the Dungeon Master’s Guide.
“Michael, I was really impressed with how you handled that data backload. I’m giving you a Gem of True Seeing.”
Technorati Tags: Dungeons and Dragons, Work, Geek
Neologism
Monday, June 19th, 2006I have started using the following word in my conversation starting today.
Ronaldo (noun). An overweight or obese person’s stomach.
He let himself lapse a lot since college. He stopped working out, and now he has a little Ronaldo.
The joke never gets old, people.
Technorati Tags: Humor, Football, Soccer, Ronaldo, World Cup
The Mindless Sociology Paper
Monday, June 12th, 2006Back in Spring semester of 1999, I signed up for SYG 2000, an introductory sociology course. I did this primarily to pad out my schedule. I often preferred to learn computer programming or play video games with my spare time instead of doing mindless busy work to learn disciplines that I really didn’t care about but which fit beautifully into my schedule. Introduction and survey courses were the most forgiving of this kind of behavior, and I accordingly filled out my semester load with such courses.
I knew almost immediately upon looking at the syllabus for SYG 2000 that I had no intentions of doing the midterm paper. You see, unlike my English courses, which had papers worth 20-50% of my final grade, this mid-term paper was worth a measly five percent of my grade. Half a letter grade? Not worth my time and energy. My only real dilemma came in if the TA were draconian. What if he chose to flunk me on a technicality for not turning anything in? This was the genesis of the Mindless Sociology Paper.
I decided to fill a few pages of utter crap that I found funny at the time and turn that in to my TA. I sat down and wrote this gem in only about 5-10 minutes.
Mindless Sociology Paper (PDF)
I gave a few copies of the paper out to friends and acquaintances who thought it was funny. It in turn hung out in a few dorm lounges and generally made the rounds on the UF campus. Now I share it on the Internet for all to see.
Revival Begins With Me
Sunday, May 14th, 2006I really can’t stand Wal-Mart.
If I woke up one morning and found out that all the Wal-Marts in America were simultaneously burning to the ground, I would have to fall to my knees in prayer and immediately start going to church again. I would be in some sort of fundamentalist church every time it has services for the rest of my life. I would tremble at the good works that God had wrought, and I would know that God had smote the wicked with righteous fury. There would be amens and hallelujahs.
Because that would be one hell of a fire-and-brimstone revival.
The Cattleman’s Creed
Tuesday, May 9th, 2006Shortly after I became vegetarian but before I went vegan, I found myself in a barbecue restaurant with my entire family. While most folks were quietly accepting of my new and strange dietary habits, my brother upon hearing that I wasn’t eating meat anymore simply declared with neither lead-in nor subsequent explanation, “I believe in beef.”
I have decided to formulate his system of belief into The Cattleman’s Creed so that others may unite under one catholic, universal, and ruminant faith.
Full Text of the Creed
I believe in beef, seared cattle meat
from every grill on heaven and earth.
I believe in steak, beef’s purest form, Lord of meats.
It was marbled through feeding of rich grain
and cut to ensure even doneness.
It aged within the fridge,
was dried, salted, and was crusted.
It descended into the grill.
With an internal temperature of 145, it rose again;
It ascended to the dinner plate.
It is seated at the right hand of the baked potato,
and it will be served without steak sauce.
I believe in prime rib,
the economical hamburger grind,
the stewing of chuck,
the braising of shoulder steaks,
the roasting of top round,
and flavor outstanding. Amen.
Portable Oral Irrigator
Friday, March 3rd, 2006In the course of shopping for an automated blood pressure cuff, Amazon just recommended me a “Portable Oral Irrigator”. My life is now complete.
Technorati Tags: Humor, Amazon, Innuendo, Double Entendre